in a moment, everything can change.

Recently, I came across some very sad news. I found out that a student who was set to graduate from my alma mater passed away on Monday after being critically injured by a drunk driver early Sunday morning. Before I found out about his passing (or even about the accident), I was on Facebook and noticed one of my friends liked a photo of this boy and girl. I didn’t know who either of the people were, but I clicked on the photo anyway. When I read the caption, it said something like “…I feel so helpless…all I can do at this point is pray for a miracle…” Then a couple of days later, I realized that the young man who passed away was the same one in that photo. Judging from what I read in the caption, it seemed like these two were in a relationship. Now that he’s passed away, I can only imagine what she’s going through right now.

Why am I bringing this up? It was another reminder that life is short and precious. I look at my situation with my ex-boyfriend. At this point, I don’t know if I’m ever going to get back together with him. I don’t think he wants it as much as I do. But the point is that…we waste so much time arguing over petty things instead of taking the time to appreciate each other and be thankful that we have another day with that person. We may be three hundred miles apart, but that shouldn’t be an excuse as to why we can’t tell each other how much we value the other person. In the blink of an eye, our loved ones can be taken away from us. Any moment. They could be gone tomorrow. So since that, I’ve been telling him that I love him because I really want him to know that and I want him to hear it. We may not be together at the moment, but I really do love him with all of my heart, and yeah, we may argue from time to time, but I never want a day to go by without telling him how much he means to me.

I miss him every single day and the distance sucks. I wish I could see him and have his physical presence with me, but even if all I can do is text him every single night, I’ll take it. But I think it’s really important to say these words to your loved ones every once in a while. You shouldn’t need a special holiday like a birthday or Valentine’s Day to let them know you love them. Just the other week, he was having a bad day and feeling extremely alone, angry, and frustrated. And I just told him, “I love you.” He was so caught off guard that he even asked me where that came from. I told him that I just wanted to tell him. Sometimes a few words can help us more than he thinks. I may not know what he’s going through right now, but I can be there to support him and love him.

I may not know what the future holds for us, but I do know one thing…I love this guy with every ounce of my being. He will always be my first true love and I will never forget that. He means the world to me and I didn’t know someone could be this important to me outside of my family. I will never be the same because of him and I wish I could be with him right now. I’ll remain hopeful that one day it will work out like it’s supposed to. But until then, I will keep reminding him of just how much I love him. I miss him so much.

– beautifuldarkmystery

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rest in peace, talia.

Just when I thought I couldn’t be sadder, I found out that Talia Castellano passed away. For those of you who don’t know, this brave 14-year-old was on the Ellen show and she got to be Ellen’s honorary Covergirl. She made makeup tutorials on YouTube (and she was really great at it!). She had been battling cancer and the Lord decided she would be in a better place with Him.

Talia has to be one of the most inspiring people I’ve ever seen. I may have not known her personally, but from watching her interview on the Ellen show, she was a very bright, beautiful, and poised young lady…mature way beyond her years. When Ellen asked her how she deals with cancer, she said, “A little fishy once told me, ‘just keep swimming.'” Talia’s personality, her smile, her attitude on life…everything about her was infectious and I know she will be missed by a lot of people. Talia did not give up without a fight. She lived her life to the best of her ability. Instead of sitting around feeling sorry for herself, she chose to live life. That speaks volumes about a person. My thoughts and prayers are with her family and friends. The world is definitely not as bright without Talia.

rest in peace, cory.

As most of you know, on July 13, 2013, we lost a very special person. If any of you are huge Gleeks like me, this one really hit home. I meant to post this sooner, but this week’s been so busy for me. Anyways, here it goes…(I wrote this right after I heard that Cory passed).

So I know everyone’s talking about it. I JUST found out from my sister. I think I am still in shock and I can’t believe it. Whenever I hear of a celebrity passing, I’m sad when I hear the news, but hearing of Cory’s death really shocked me and to be honest, I’m still in denial, hoping that it’s just some terrible rumor. My prayers go out to his family, friends, Lea Michele and the rest of the Glee cast.

Glee is more than just a television show. It taught me that I’m not alone. In high school, I wasn’t the popular kid…no prom queen or captain of the cheerleader squad. I was in band, and we all know what people think of “bandies” right? Well, in my school, the band kids never really got picked on or singled out, but we all knew we were at the bottom of the social hierarchy.

When I heard of this show called Glee, I remember how excited I was to watch it because immediately, I could draw parallels to my own life. I fell in love with the series and I’m still a huge fan, despite the fact that most of the beloved and well-known characters are gone.

I never really had a favorite character on the show because I appreciated every single one of them for different reasons. However, I think the character I can best identify with is Finn…especially during the first part of this last season where he comes back to coach the glee club. Like most college kids, I’m sure, he didn’t know where his life was headed. The Army didn’t work out for him and college didn’t seem like an option to him…so he went back to the place where it all started for him, glee club. During my first couple of years of college, I had the hardest time trying to fit in with everyone. I seemed so different from them and I always found myself going back to the one place I always felt safe, band.

Finn’s always had that attitude like he’s not good enough, that his own fears are holding him back from being able to reach his full potential. He tries to surround himself with good people, people who show him that he’s more than he’s giving himself credit for.

When I heard that Cory admitted himself into rehab earlier this year, I was shocked because I didn’t know he was dealing with these types of problems. But I hoped for the best. Now, to hear that the cause of his death may be due to a drug overdose, it breaks my heart. At 31 years old, his life was cut short. Once again, this shows that life’s precious and we are not guaranteed tomorrow. I will always be a Gleek and I know Cory will be forever missed. This news shattered my heart, but if there’s anything I will take away from this, it will be the good things Cory/Finn and Glee did for me. Glee is more than just a television show. It’s proven to me that the underdogs can rise above the rest and come out better and stronger. Rest in peace, Cory.

a little self-reflection.

So now that my school year is almost over, I figured it’d be appropriate for a little self-reflection. It might be boring, it might be interesting. I have to say that by far this year has been the craziest, both good and bad. Let’s start with the positives.

Fall Semester:
Fall semester was great. I wrote, directed, and produced my first short film. It wasn’t the best, but there’s a first for everything and the most important thing to do is to learn from your mistakes and move forward. With only a month to put the whole thing together, I must say we did a pretty good job. And for once, I didn’t have any irresponsible people in my group. Everyone was pretty much dependable and responsible and that’s all I could ask for. For our final, we screened all the final productions in the theater on a big screen…a little taste of what life could be like from now. It was pretty exciting. Although we didn’t win any awards, we were still winners in my eyes.

Fall semester was also when the guy I liked confessed his feelings for me. We were starting to grow closer and I got butterflies every time I was around him. This was the first time I got those feelings since my last relationship so for me, it was kind of a huge deal. Things like this don’t usually work out the way I want them to. It’s always either I like the guy and he doesn’t like me back or the other way around. :/ For the first time, I felt like things were beginning to fall into place and I might actually have a chance with this guy. But of course, things sort of fell apart next semester. But I’ll get into that later.

As for negatives, I don’t think I have anything. Honestly, all fall semester’s a blur to me now that it’s been a few months. I guess the only sad thing that happened was when the guy I liked said we should just be friends before we even went out on a date or even tried to be a relationship. I don’t know why he got cold feet all of a sudden considering he sure talked up a huge storm about having feelings for me over the year and a half we’ve known each other. Yeah, it sucked, but I wasn’t going to take it personally. In all honesty, it still felt a little weird, like we were trying too hard and some things felt forced and it shouldn’t feel like that. I was just excited to have a class with him again the following semester. During the fall semester, I didn’t see him at all until the very end when I made an effort to come to campus early and meet up with him during his break.

Spring Semester:
Spring semester was crazy! The semester started off kind of rough because I was in danger of being under-enrolled unit-wise. And for those of you who are in college and know how crazy it is during the first couple of weeks trying to get classes, you know how I felt. Once that settled, I got adjusted to my new schedule. I was happy to see “Tom” again on a weekly basis and I was really looking forward to this semester because of that.

Just as the semester started, I went to my major advisor because I wanted to find out how I could get involved in the film department  on campus. He sent me to another professor, and I became her TA. Although that wasn’t exactly what I was looking for, being her TA was good work experience for me. It was crazy and overwhelming at times, but at the end of the day, I gained a mentor, someone who’s pledged to help me with whatever I need and write references if I need them. That’s more than I could have ever asked for.

A new semester means new friends and I continued meeting more film majors. One guy was in all four of my film classes, which has never happened to me before, but it was fun. We became pretty good friends. The beginning of the semester is always kind of awkward because you don’t know anyone in your class, but then I’m always sad when it’s over because some of the people I never thought I’d become friends with, I did, and it’s just sad when it’s all over. Maybe I’m just weid like that and I always get that bittersweet feeling when a semester is over.

I took a business of film class, which required us to volunteer at the film festival that occurs annually near our school. It was a LOT of work but totally worth it. I never thought that by working in merchandise I’d get as many opportunities to talk and interact with the filmmakers. But I did, and it was very inspiring and flipped a switch in me that made me want to start making more short films and getting my work out there. I definitely want to volunteer again next semester. I think it’s great that this class required us to volunteer because I don’t know that I’d necessarily do it on my own. I’m a very introverted person, as I’ve mentioned before, so doing this work definitely helped me step beyond my comfort zone and learn how to put myself out there. Overall, a rewarding experience.

And last but not least, I can’t forget about making the Dean’s List. It was one of my most proudest moments. Ever since I can remember, my dad’s always been the one who’s helped me with homework and projects. I’d like to think he’s half responsible for the grades I received. When I got to college, however, things changed. I stopped going to him for help and I made myself learn the material. I don’t know what it was, but something clicked and I wanted to do better. So when I found out I made the Dean’s List, I knew I did this on my own…that the grades I earned were all me, without my dad’s help. It’s like one of those moments…like when you first learn to ride your bike without the training wheels, or driving by yourself for the first time without your parents in the car…that kind of feeling. I attended the honors convocation and it was great. Sitting in the audience representing the College of Humanities & The Arts…Wow, it only makes me want to strive and do better in college.

Unfortunately, with the positives, there were also negatives. Let’s start with the most recent. I’ll never forget the day I saw someone die in front of my eyes. You see this stuff on TV all the time but you know it’s fake. A man jumped from the parking garage and killed himself. I’m glad I didn’t actually see it happen, but I still saw the aftermath. A limp, lifeless body in a pool of blood. I couldn’t believe what I saw and I think it forever changed the way I think about life. We say it all the time…life’s fragile, we’re only given one chance to live…but I don’t think you can truly understand what that means until or unless you experience something like this. For me it was a true shock because I’ve lived a pretty sheltered life and have never seen anything so graphic with my own two eyes. My heart goes out to that man and I hope he’s resting in peace. It breaks my heart that to him, this was the only solution. I’ll never forget that day as long as I live.

And then there’s the other negative, the one that left me with a broke heart. The night Tom basically told me he liked someone else was one of the worst nights of my life. I actually felt physically sick and it wasn’t until that night when I realize how hard I was beginning to fall for him. Unfortunately, things only got worse from there as I called him out on certain things, which resulted in us not speaking for a month. When we reconciled, I ended up forgiving him because it’s what I always do, but I let him know that I didn’t forget. Things are still a little tense, I feel because I actually thought this was going to go somewhere, but this was the semester we began to see each other’s true colors. I’m not sure I liked what I saw but I guess we’ll see what happens from here. It’s so hard for me to lower my expectations of him and as a result, I feel like I’m constantly disappointed. But this semester is over, which means fresh start this fall. We’ll see.

Overall, I can’t complain about this year. I’ve learned a lot, not just academically, but in terms of learning about myself, I’ve learned a lot too. There were definitely some bumps in the road but I made it and I’m ready for summer.

-beautifuldarkmystery

i still can’t believe it.

I can’t even begin to describe what a crazy day it’s been. I can’t get that image out of my head. I can’t stop thinking about it…I’ve been in a weird mood ever since.

So I was running an errand for one of my professors. I had to drop some papers off a couple blocks down from the school. As I’m walking back, I see a massive crowd of people standing at the corner. I thought this was odd and didn’t know what was going on. As I got closer to the corner, I see a man on the floor, a pool of blood surrounding his head. There are two officers already on the scene. I heard one student say, “He has to be deceased.”

“Please keep moving, you don’t need to be taking pictures,” one of the officer said. They kept looking up, because there’s a parking garage and no one knows what happened, but we’re guessing it was a suicide. I couldn’t believe what my eyes were seeing. I see stuff like that in the movies and on television ALL the time, but when you see something like this in real life, it does something to you.. Like I said, I’m still in shock. I quickly crossed the street to get back to my professor. I didn’t want to be around that scene.

It’s times like this when you really take a step back and examine life…we don’t have very much time here and I got an eerie feeling knowing that I had just walked past that garage to drop off the papers and when I got back, someone had died. Before I left campus that person was still living and in just a few seconds, he was gone. It truly breaks my heart, and though no one knows for sure if it was a suicide, it’s highly likely. I don’t think I’ll be able to walk past that place without thinking about it. The image is forever burned in the back of my mind.

My heart and prayers go out to the family of this victim. I’ll never forget this day. I’ll never forget what I saw and I’ll never forget how it made me feel. Apparently, this happened about three hours ago, but the officers are still there.

I just want to go home. I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted. That’s all it took. I’ve lived such a sheltered life so seeing this with my own eyes…it was a shock. Like I said, I still don’t want to believe it.

-beautifuldarkmystery

P.S. All I want to say is that suicide is never the answer…it’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Sometimes, things need to get worse before they get better, but it DOES get better. Remember that you are not alone and that everyone is fighting their own battle. YOU ARE LOVED. Remember that. This absolutely breaks my heart.