i’ve been thinking about it a little more.

Okay, so I really want to get something off my chest and I feel like this is the best place to do it. First off, I just want to say that for those of you who have given me advice or have told me you love my blog, I really appreciate it and I can’t thank you enough. It makes me feel so much better to know that I’m not alone and that others can relate. Sometimes, I think that’s all we need…honestly.

I’ve been thinking about “Tom” a lot lately. Ever since he told me he started hanging out with someone and felt like he had to ask me where we stood in our “relationship” so that it could be clearly defined for him, I’ve been thinking about whether this friendship is even worth it. I feel like ever since I met him, I’ve been trying to convince myself to stay in it because he means so much to me and blah blah blah.

A few days ago, I sat at my computer, turned my webcam on, and hit the record button. In one take, I sat in front of the screen, talking as if he were right across from me…and something happened that I didn’t expect…I cried. When I finished recording, I did some editing and exported it. The thing is…I don’t think I’ll ever show it to him. My family doesn’t even know about this…not even my sister, whom I tell practically everything to. It’s more for personal reasons I guess. I think I wanted to see where I stood in terms of how I feel about him and where we stand to this day, and I think that after recording that video, it’s pretty obvious that I still have feelings for him.

It’s so hard to be friends with someone when you see him/her as more than a friend. I mean, especially with the way things were going, I thought for sure, something was going to happen. And now I can’t get over it. So…it’s got me thinking…what if being in this friendship is what’s “killing” me. Some days I think it’d be so much easier to walk away because sometimes, seeing or speaking to him makes things that much more difficult. If I were to cut him completely out of my life, I think I’d be able to move on. I always hate talking like this because I always think I sound so overly dramatic or drastic. I’m not doing this to seek attention from him. There are some days I wake up and feel like I’m at a crossroad with him and I don’t know if I should keep going or pull away.

As much as I love him and care about him and want to be there for him…sometimes I feel like I don’t have the strength. Right now, the thought of him talking to someone else or even changing his relationship status on Facebook makes my stomach turn. Why did he have to make me feel so special? Why did he have to say all those nice things to me? Why? I need to move on. This has gone on way too long and I’m afraid that if I keep going, I’m going to end up hurting even more than the first time.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Should I stay or should I leave? I know it’s probably easier said than done, but I just don’t know what to do anymore.

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i’m torn.

So tonight I had my honors convocation and I posted some pics from the night. Then he texts me and says, “Congrats on the award, my friend.” The last two words fried me….really? I HATE being friend-zoned like this. Like, my life might as well be a soap opera right now because this is just too much. Right then and there I wanted to send him a message over Facebook, but then decided not to. I figured, if I did, then I’d be doing it more out of impulse.

But I am torn right now, and here’s why. Yes, I am glad we’re speaking again and on somewhat good terms. But I’m not happy that things are different between us now…like the way he treats me, the way he talks to me…I miss the OLD us. So I’m torn between making myself happy and making him happy. A part of me wants to say what’s on my mind right now and let him know that this isn’t going to work…while another part of me wants to keep quiet. There are only a couple of weeks left in the semester. Then summer will be here, which means when we return in the fall, it’ll be a new semester and I won’t have to see him around campus…hopefully. And maybe we can just “drift” apart. He just doesn’t understand where I’m coming from and at this point, I feel like trying to explain it to him will be like talking to a wall.

I mean, at this point, I really don’t think I should be sacrificing my own happiness for someone else. If I’m not happy in this friendship, then I have a right to remove myself from it. I honestly feel like the only way I’ll ever be able to move on from any of this is to stop talking to him, stop seeing him, etc. Every time I see him I’m reminded that things are different and that I’m no longer the one he likes or wants to be with, and that sucks! No one likes feeling that way.

I don’t want to make it seem like I’m giving up on him, but sometimes, if you truly love someone, you have to let him/her go. When it comes down to happiness, I don’t care if it seems like I’m ┬ábeing selfish, I need to be happy again and my happiness comes first. And sometimes, I need to realize that there’s a difference between giving up and doing what’s best for me. I know I can’t change a person, so why am I still doing this, going through the same routine…

I really don’t know what to do, and this is where you guys come in. Some advice would be much appreciated. I mean, right now, I’m leaning more towards just keeping quiet until the end of the semester and slowly start to pull away as he fades out of my life. In a way, that’s not good for my happiness, because it means two weeks of being unhappy around him. But at the same time, I feel that by doing things this way, not only are we ending things on a non-confrontative note, but in this case, I believe silence is the best way to let him know he did something wrong. If he decides to randomly ask me what happened, then I can explain. But I won’t be aggressive about it, jut real and honest. I don’t know. What do you think?

-beautifuldarkmystery