no regrets and i feel much better.

So that’s it. We’re not friends anymore. Last night I texted him saying that I’m willing to put all of this behind us and move forward. He said he was glad, and then I asked him if he would at least be willing to talk to me on Monday and he said that if he got out of his class early, he would let me know. I knew going into today that this wasn’t happening. I went into this with no expectations and it’s a good thing I did because I was right. He never showed up.

I was sitting outside on a bench waiting for him to text me and I was writing down all the things I wanted to say to him on my computer. I was so focused on my thoughts that I didn’t even notice that he walked right past me. He was with another girl, I don’t know if this was the same one I saw last Tuesday. It was his voice that caught my attention and I knew it was him. He just walked right past me and didn’t say a word. I looked up as they were walking away and confirmed that it was in fact him. I was mad, so I called my mom and talked to her for a little bit on the phone, in tears. I’ve done nothing but give him chances and try to give him the benefit of the doubt, but I can only do that for so long. A few minutes later, I see him walk into the library, with the same girl, and I was so hurt and so mad at him.

The thing is, at that point I wasn’t even hurt or jealous that he was hanging out with another girl. I was hurt because he couldn’t even be my friend. I don’t believe he did it on purpose, I just think he doesn’t know how to act around me right now because he probably feels that he ruined things. Here I go again, trying to defend him. I truly don’t believe he’s a bad person. I know he has good intentions, but he doesn’t realize his actions are costing him big time. He says one thing but acts another way. I think he’s been beating himself up over feeling like he hurt me two weeks ago when he dropped the bomb on me. But instead of trying to avoid me, he should have just told me he wasn’t ready. It was as simple as that.

All I wanted was five minutes of his time and if he would have sat here and talked to me, he could have walked away feeling better about the whole situation, but no…he chose to avoid it completely instead. No one likes confrontation, they don’t want to have to deal with the feelings that comes with being confronted. However, if he would have just listened to me, he would have heard all of the great things I had to say about him…how much I appreciated having him in my life, all of the things he did for me that he didn’t realize. I know I didn’t owe him any sort of explanation whatsoever, but I wanted to do this to try and clear the air, or at least talk it out so there would be no misunderstandings. I wanted us to move forward from this. If anything, I was the one who deserved an explanation.

After talking to my mom, I went to the bookstore to get some supplies and as I was walking back, he was walking towards me. I knew he saw me because when he did, he immediately looked down at his phone to avoid eye contact with me. I got to the bench, where I’m sitting now, and I sent him a long text saying that we’re not friends anymore. Was this slightly out of impulse, yes, I’m not going to lie. However, I don’t want someone in my life who refuses to communicate with me. That’s a failed friendship in the making. I know he was trying so hard not to make me more upset than I already was, but what he doesn’t realize is that his actions are only digging him in a deeper hole. His excuse for why he didn’t want to talk to me today was that he was still “feeling like s***” about what he did and he felt like he couldn’t face me. Okay, well if that was the case, all he had to do was say that! Am I wrong? But no, he chose to not even let me know he was going to talk to me today and now it looks bad when I see him walking around campus with another girl.

Obviously he wasn’t getting it, so I finally put my foot down and said we can’t be friends anymore. I can’t have people in my life who won’t communicate with me. His excuse was that this girl asked him to walk her to the bus stop and then he had dinner plans at 4:15. Okay A) I saw him twice walking around campus, I’m pretty sure that wasn’t the bus stop and B) He had made a previous obligation to talk to me, but instead he chose to avoid this and not even tell me he wasn’t going to show up. I had to see it for myself! None of this would have happened if he just told me he didn’t feel ready to talk and I would have completely understood. He just doesn’t get it and I don’t know that he ever will. It’s sad because I want the best for him, but I truly believe he’s emotionally stunted and needs to make some serious changes if he wants to better himself.

So as of right now, we are not friends and I made it very black-and-white for him. Unless he can really show me he can be the friend he claims to be, I can’t trust him, I will never open up to him, I won’t even call him a friend. To be treated like a friend means you have to act like one. And he’s got a lot to prove if he ever thinks about being my friend again. The weird thing is…I actually felt better and even slightly happy after telling him we couldn’t be friends. I thought that was strange. Regardless, I am glad I finally was able to say something and I feel like I said it in an appropriate way, it wasn’t out of line. I could have been much more harsh with my words, but I wasn’t. I deleted him off my Facebook, and now I feel as though as weight has been lifted off my shoulders. This is a weird feeling because for someone I considered a good fried and someone I couldn’t think about living without, I seem to be doing just fine…so what does that really tell me?

-beautifuldarkmystery

And just for the record, I don’t feel like I gave up on him…I just got tired of waiting around on someone who’s actions contradicts his own words. If he ever figures it out, I will gladly be friends with him again, but like I said…he has a lot to prove to me if I mean anything to him.

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i think i’m going to talk to him this weekend.

If I could talk to him right this minute, this is what I would say…

I don’t know what your intentions are or what you want out of this, but I can’t keep pretending like there’s nothing there. It’s obvious that we both have feelings for each other, so why are we trying to go around it? I don’t understand. I want to know how you honestly feel about all of this because I feel like I need a definite answer. I’m not trying to create this huge issue or add stress to your life, but I need to know where we stand.

When we had that talk about just staying friends for the time being, how long was that intended for? I don’t want to be just a friend to you. Don’t you get it? I’ve dropped all the obvious hints and so have you, yet no one has stepped up and admitted that we want this relationship. So who’s it going to be? Do I need to say something? Do I need to initiate this? Just tell me what you want. If you don’t have those feelings for me anymore, then just tell me the honest truth because it’ll save me a lot of pain in the end.

I hate it when you say, “Don’t be afraid to tell me anything,” because every time I put myself out there for you, I feel like it’s not reciprocated. I’ve never received so many mixed signals from a guy before and I don’t know how much longer I can “play this game” with you. There have been many accounts where I’ve wanted to hold your hand, or tell you how I truly feel…but I don’t want to do that if you don’t feel the same or as strongly as I do about you. No one does. That always seems to happen with me anyway. I always seem to be the one who wants the relationship more and I hate that.

Sometimes I get the feeling you want to be more than friends. Whenever you hug me, it’s not just a hug. It’s an embrace. It’s that feeling you don’t want to let go. The way I catch you staring at me from the corner of my eye. The way you laugh at my jokes, even when they aren’t funny. The way you joke with me, whether it’s because you want to touch me or you want me to laugh.

Every time I begin to have these thoughts, I think to myself that perhaps I can find someone better, someone who won’t do this to me. But I can’t. You’re the only person I can see myself with at now. We’ve been friends for about a year and a half now and yet, you have become one of the most important people in my life. How did I let one person have this much control over my thoughts and feelings. It’s quite scary honestly, and it makes me wonder about how dependent I’ll become on the guy if I get into a relationship.

I just wish you’d tell me what you’re thinking. I wish you’d be black and white with me…either you want this relationship to work or you don’t. Which will it be?

-beautifuldarkmystery

“Forget the risk, take the fall. If it’s what you want, it’s worth it all.”

texting vs. talking.

So I’ve talked a little about this before, but I wanted to make a more detailed post about this because to me, this topic is pretty black and white, but I’m open to all interpretations/opinions.

Communication is obviously important in any relationship, and to me, it’s one of the most important qualities I look for. I’ve said multiple times that I am one of those people who feels more comfortable texting the guy I like as opposed to verbally talking to him. As an introvert, I am often self-conscious about how I come across to people…the spotlight effect is my worst enemy and I am always self-conscious of what I say and how I say it. For me, it’s easier to sit behind a screen, think about what I’m going to say, type it out, and hit send.

Now, I know that for any relationship to be successful there has to be verbal communication…or does there? I’ve previously mentioned the show Catfish on MTV. Couples “fall in love” over the internet…through Facebook messages, AIM threads, or texting. I’ve always wondered how that’s possible, but in some cases, this has proven to be effective.

However, for me personally, I don’t like having the deep and personal conversations through text. I’d rather be there with him so that I can feel that emotional connection. I am a very emotional person as you’ve seen or will soon know. When someone shares something personal with me, I want to hear their voice, I want to see their facial expressions, I want to see their body language. I want to be in the moment.

I’ve made it very clear to my friend that I’m not going to tell my stories via text. When I’m ready to share something really personal, I want him to physically be there. This is not only so I can emotionally connect with him or vice versa. Verbal communication is something I truly want to work on and become better at. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with being able to communicate better through text or writing, or any other medium. But verbal communication is a must-have skill. It’s almost like you’ve got to be able to do both.

One of my friends made a short film on this concept. It’s basically about this guy and girl who are sitting across from each other, but they’re texting. Things begin to change when the guy tells her that he wants to be with her, and I mean really be with her…not through cyberspace. Towards the end of it, we see that they both have these machines connected to their backs, symbolizing that this generation is so infatuated with technology that we forget how to socialize in a sense. Once the guy and girl “disconnect” from their machines, they’re brought back into life and are no longer robots. It was really good and inspiring and definitely relevant.

My friend has expressed to me that he feels more comfortable talking through text than in person, especially when it’s about more personal. I think he’s kind of like me in that sense because he’s told me that all he wants to do is impress me and he doesn’t want to mess it up and all these other reasons. I thought that was cute, but I told him that he doesn’t need to worry about any of that. I am just as awkward as he is so there’s nothing to worry about. But I’m not going to force him to do something he’s not comfortable with. If he feels like texting me is his strongest way of communicating right now, I have to let it be. Hopefully one day, he’ll feel comfortable enough to not hide behind that screen.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Do you prefer texting or talking? Is one better than the other? Why or why not?

important qualities in a relationship.

I know I’m not one to really speak on this, considering I haven’t been in many relationships. This is just my personal opinion and these qualities can vary from person to person. Here are qualities I value in a relationship. I call them the Three C’s.

1. Commitment. I know it’s a scary word, but we’re not looking to get married here. I mean, yeah, one day I hope to marry someone, but for the time being, commitment means that if a guy asks me to be his girlfriend, he’s going to stay loyal to me. One-night stands are not my thing. Part of committing yourself to someone means that you’re going to be honest with the other person. No one likes a liar and in my opinion, if you’re truly unhappy with the relationship, then get out. Don’t cheat. It’s not worth it in the end. Or at least, that’s how I see it. In my next relationship, I want to know that he truly wants me and a huge deciding factor in that is his willing to commit to one girl.

2. Communication. It’s something I’m working on and a relationship can work only if the two people can communicate. The problem I’m having is that I tend to like guys who can’t seem to verbally communicate their feelings and I mean really have a problem doing that. Both my ex and the guy I currently like can express themselves better through a screen, whether it’s AIM, e-mail, Facebook, or text message. My current crush has definitely told me that he’s way more comfortable talking about more personal topics/issues through text and I’ve told him that I’m trying to work on being able to express myself using my words because I can’t hide behind a screen forever. But I’ve realized that for now…I’m going to have to deal with it because if it’s his way of communicating, I’d rather have that than no line of communication at all. Perhaps as we become more comfortable around each other, he’ll slowly begin to open up to us when we hang out or spend time together. But communication is VERY important.

3. Chemistry. I know that sounds sort of stupid because it’s kind of obvious that there needs to be an attraction from both ends in order for the relationship to work. But here’s what I mean. In order for a relationship to work, both people need to feel wanted. Just because you can call someone your boyfriend or girlfriend, doesn’t mean you should stop doing whatever it took to get that person. I think they call it “the chase” in relationship terms. When you really like someone…that person is pretty much the only one you think about…the last person before you go to sleep and the first person you think about when you wake up. During “the chase” you do anything to impress your crush and anything else that will get you noticed. Don’t allow that to stop just because you guys are going out. That initial attraction needs to be there…it fuels the fire of the relationship.

Those are the most important ones in my opinion. If I think of more, I’ll add to this post later. Oh, and there’s one more thing to remember…be happy. If you’re unhappy in a relationship then something is very wrong because the whole point of this thing is being excited about sharing your life with another person…connecting with him/her on a more intimate level. I don’t know if my crush and I will pursue a relationship, but if we do, I’m going to remember these things and learn from my mistakes with my last one.

-beautifuldarkmystery

What qualities do you look for in your relationships? Which are most important to you?