history repeats itself.

I’ve been keeping a journal on and off for the last 10 years. It’s always been my way of keeping a written record of my past. I wrote about everything. Things I was going through, drama with friends, breakups, my transition from high school to college. Everything. It’s always been my safe space, where I can write and freely express myself. It’s the only time I really don’t hold back. It’s therapeutic. It’s helped me understand myself better.

I recently came across a binder full of old entries from my high school years, and all I have to say is that history sure has a way of repeating itself. When I started college, I was frustrated because things weren’t happening for me as quickly as I would have liked. I had a hard time making new friends. I lived on campus and my roommate and I didn’t get along. I was frustrated because I felt like my friends from high school had seemingly moved on with their lives and were fitting in well at their new colleges. They had no problems making friends and making that transition. I was hard on myself because I just wanted in, and my straight-edge lifestyle didn’t mesh with the college campus life. I found myself on the outside, desperate for acceptance.

There was one entry in particular I came across that talked about a conversation I had with my mom. I had told her how difficult this transition has been for me and she knew that I had a hard time adjusting. I know her heart was in the right place and she just wanted me to be happy, but she suggested that I drop out of my university, move back home, and enroll in a community college for a couple of years. I was a little shocked at my response (and so was she), but apparently I said something along the lines of, “If I move back home where it’s comfortable and safe, I won’t be able to grow. This is supposed to be hard. I need to go through these struggles…” Long story short, I ended up moving out of the dorms because that was an environment I knew I couldn’t live in for an entire year. However, I chose to stay at my university. I just opted to commute instead of living on campus (which ended up being one of the best decisions I ever made. Living on campus isn’t for everyone).

While I was happy I didn’t have to live on campus anymore, I was now worried about the next three and a half years because I thought that commuting would hinder my ability to get involved in the college life (as if I wasn’t struggling with that enough already). But, sure enough, when it came time for me to start my sophomore year, that’s when I met my core group of friends. Those were the people I hung out with and they were the ones who became my closest friends. And, guess what…NONE of them lived on campus. They all commuted.

The rest of my time at college was great. I had the best time. I met some great people and formed lasting friendships. Since graduating from college, I’ve found myself in a different, yet similar, situation. The transition from college to workforce. It hasn’t been easy for me. I haven’t been able to land a steady job yet, and it has me worried. I’ve been doubting the decisions I made in college. Maybe I should have picked a different major. Maybe I should have done this or that.

I guess the point I’m trying to make here is that I’m starting to overwhelm myself again. I’ve found myself in a situation where I’ve seen my friends graduate college and they’ve successfully found work and are doing fine. Meanwhile, I’ve been at a standstill and it doesn’t feel like I’ve made much progress. It’s similar to how I was feeling when I started college. The frustration of seeing everyone move ahead while I’m stuck. I want things to happen faster for me.

If there’s anything I can take away from my past, it’s that I just need to give it time. I need to also remember what the past version of myself once said…that I need to face these challenges and struggles so that I can grow. If anything, I think that going through these struggles now will make me appreciate things more later on down the road. No one said it would be easy, and if it was easy, what would we learn?

It’s been an interesting day reflecting on my past, and I’m going to use that information to help me move forward. My problems back then seemed like they were the end of the world. I didn’t see how things could get better. I need to realize that just because things aren’t happening for me right now, doesn’t mean they never will. Yes, it’s frustrating feeling like you’re the one falling behind. It’s easy to convince yourself you’re a failure because of that and you’ll never be successful. But sometimes we need to take a step back, breathe, and chill out. As long as I am trying my hardest, there’s no reason to have any doubts.

beautifuldarkmystery

no more regrets.

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been back home visiting my parents. Feeling frustrated with no leads for jobs, I decided to enlist their help because obviously, there’s something I’m not doing right. They took a look at my resume and helped me polish it, as well as help me with interview role play.

They bought me an interview handbook filled with various types of questions one could be asked during a job interview. One of them stood out to me in particular…

“If you could start college all over again what would you do differently?”

According to the guide, the best way to answer that question is to say that you wouldn’t change a thing. Saying you have no regrets shows the interviewer that you’re sure of yourself when making a commitment.

For me personally, this is something I’ve been struggling with since I left college? Did I make the right choices? Would I have been more successful if I had chosen a different major? Honestly, none of this even matters because I’ll never know anyway. So what’s the point?

I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this before, but there have been many times I’ve regretted the choices I made in school. I thought that my major wasn’t something I was truly passionate about…that I chose it just to choose something and have a path.

But something in the last two weeks has changed that thought process. If I could start college all over again, I wouldn’t do anything differently. I wouldn’t have met the people I did, I wouldn’t have formed the friendships that I did. I still graduated with honors, so what more could I have asked for?

The truth is that everyone, at some point, goes through that period of uncertainty…where they don’t know what they want to do in life. Maybe they’re at a crossroads and don’t know where to go next. Maybe they want a career change. We don’t go through life knowing exactly what we want every single day because life is constantly changing. The future is unknown. You can set long-term goals, but those could change. I’m not saying don’t plan, because ambition is a great thing. My point is that we all feel lost at some point in our lives, whether we’re 25 or 45.

I have to believe that I’m going to be okay. I’ve wasted so many nights having mental breakdowns because I don’t know what to do and I’m tired and done with feeling frustrated. Having my parents help me did give me a little more confidence. When I go back home, I know exactly what I need to do, and all I can do is hope that something will work out. It may not be my “dream job,” but at this point, I just need something to get myself on my feet.

Without pain or suffering, we cannot appreciate happiness. Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better. It just depends on how you look at the situation. I am thankful to my parents for providing me with an opportunity to get a college education. That within itself is a fortune. I’m thankful for the sacrifices they’ve made so that I can have a better life than they did. Now it’s time to show them my gratitude. No more wasting time and energy on petty things. I am stronger than this and I will find my way. And one day, I’ll be able to look back on these struggles and growing pains and count my blessings. Everything happens for a reason, even when we’re not entirely sure of that reason.

beautifuldarkmystery

do it for you and not anyone else.

The older I get, the more I’m learning about myself. But that’s how it’s supposed to go, right? Well, right now I’m in a situation where I don’t really know what I want to do with my life or what direction I want to go. I thought I did, but I’m lacking that fire, the passion that everyone around me has.

I recently applied for a job that I really want. I have not heard back from them yet, but if I do hear from them, it should be some time soon. The weird thing is that I haven’t wanted something so badly in such a long time. I kind of put all my eggs in one basket with this because I have not been looking at other jobs, I haven’t applied anywhere else. I know it’s crazy, but I want to hear from them first.

One of the main reasons why I want this job is because I want to push myself. I’ve always been a quiet and passive person, and I’ve heard that those qualities are ones you’re born with and can’t change, but I believe I can. By no means is it going to be easy…because what may come easily to others does not come as easily to me…but I know that if I really push myself outside my comfort zone, I can achieve what I consider impossible.

It’s one thing I’ve learned from past internships. I’ve surprised myself and done things I never thought I could do. It’s all about how much you want it and how far you’re willing to push yourself. It was very uncomfortable for me…something as easy as talking over a walkie to yelling and being loud (something I’m definitely not used to), but I did it enough times and it became comfortable. With practice, I felt more and more confident.

I’ve always been the type of person to believe when someone tells me I can’t do something. It’s a terrible mindset to have and I know I’ll never achieve anything with that kind of attitude. But as I’m growing older, I’m learning that, it’s more important to do it for yourself and not anyone else. I don’t owe anyone anything. If I want to push myself and I want to reach a certain goal, I have to do it because I WANT it.

I know it seems like common sense, but this is yet another one of those lessons that’s taking time and I’m going through it right now. I don’t think I’ll end up where I currently am. I don’t think this is my calling or what I’m meant to do. People may ask me, “Well, then what would you want to do?” I don’t know the answer. As frustrating as it is, I have to remind myself that it’s okay that I don’t have all of the answers. Things will happen for me when they are supposed to happen and if this job opportunity works out, then great. If not, then it’s not meant to be.

All I know is that I haven’t felt this passionate about something in a long time. I haven’t wanted something so badly in a long time. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I don’t want to lose hope either. Until then, I’ll keep my fingers crossed.

-beautifuldarkmystery

well that was unexpected.

So, it’s been over a month since I talked to him…then out of the blue, after class today, he texted me apologizing. We had a short talk about how we’re both willing to move past everything that happened and try to be friends again. I made it very clear to him though that he has a lot to prove to me if this is going to work and that he HAS TO communicate with me, even if he’s scared of how I might react. It all comes down to this…I don’t like when people are shady. I’d rather have you be upfront with me than try and avoid the issue or brush it under the rug. He agreed. So we’ll see if his actions speak louder than his words. I realize he’s not completely comfortable talking in person about issues so if he prefers text messaging, I’ll have to make a compromise. A friendship works both ways. I truly believe the real ones survive the challenges and come out stronger on the other end. I honestly think he needs me more than I need him, but I’m willing to work with him to try and get back to that place where we used to be. It might take a while and I let him know that my guard is up and just because I’ve forgiven him, but words are not enough. A person can say “I’m sorry” a hundred times and it’ll mean nothing. He really needs to prove to me that our friendship is as important to him as he claims. So I guess we’ll see what happens now. I was definitely NOT expecting that at all, and I let him know that I appreciated the effort he made. I appreciated that he apologized to me again and made that initiative. There are just some people you don’t want to give up and regardless of what happened in the fast, whether we had feelings for each other or not, he was always one of those people and always will be…no matter what anyone tells me.

I’m still not sure how I’ll handle the fact that he likes someone else now, but I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. I haven’t seen him around campus with that girl lately so I haven’t really thought about it. We’ll see…

-beautifuldarkmystery

What does friendship mean to you?

moving on.

Last night I was debating on whether I should give him a letter or not…I wanted him to know all the things I was going to say on Monday if we met up. I also wrote another letter apologizing for coming across so harshly with my words when I got upset with him. However, I also told him I don’t regret what I said. I can’t be friends with someone who won’t communicate with me.

I was so nervous this morning. I walked into class and saw him sitting at his desk, reading one of his comic books. I walked up to him, slid the note on his desk, and walked to my seat. From where I was sitting, I didn’t want to look back and see if he was reading it or not, but I really wanted to know. Here’s my reason for doing this. I didn’t want him to get the impression that I simply gave up on our friendship. I gave him my word and said I will always be here for you if you need me, and I never back down on my word. However, I also said that we can’t be friends unless we’re on the same page. I hope that one day we can reconcile and have things back to the way they were, but truthfully, that’s going to be a long, long, way down the road, if at all.

I think I would have regretted not giving him the letter because on my end, I wanted to know that I did everything I could to be a good friend, to SHOW him that I will be there for him. I would be a hypocrite if I said one thing but acted differently. I’m not a fighter, and I don’t like going through these fights with people, especially the ones I really care about. But I don’t think he realizes that the reason why I am frustrated is BECAUSE I care. But at this point, I can only control my own thoughts and feelings. The only thing to do from here is to move on and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

It’s just a really sad situation. Here’s someone I truly care about and I want nothing but the best for him. Yet, he doesn’t even see that anything is wrong. To him, all of this is normal. I honestly don’t think he’s ever had someone stand up to him like this. I think he’s gotten so comfortable with sweeping problems under the rug, or he’s surrounded himself with people who act as though nothing is wrong. Now he’s lost a friend because of this behavior and to tell you the truth, I still don’t believe he’ll see anything wrong with it. In his mind, he’s probably thinking, “That’s okay, I’ve got plenty of other friends, this doesn’t bother me.” Well if that’s the case, then I really know where we stand now.

I hate that I care so much sometimes. For once, I want those actions to be reciprocated. I don’t think it’s much to ask for. I thought I had something really great with this guy, but now I’m realizing that his words were nothing but empty promises. I’m just hoping that all of this “bad luck” I’m having with friends means that God has someone really special and really important who’s going to come along and make me realize that all these obstacles and waiting was worth it. I’ll keep praying about it if I have to.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t thinking about it right now. I’d also be lying if I said I wasn’t bummed out about losing this friend. But at the same time, I’m also thinking, life’s too short to surround yourself with people that give you less than what you deserve. Truthfully, I do feel “happier” now that we’ve cut ties. I felt it, I the weight being lifted like I said, and it was like my whole mood changed. But of course there will always be a smal part of me that misses him because there was obviously something that attracted me to him in the first place. Plus we spent a really great year and a half being friends. Sometimes, you really have to think about what’s best for yourself.

These last couple of weeks have been extremely difficult for me because I was beginning to see his true colors and the type of person he really is. I wanted to believe his words, “I’ll always be here for you,” “You’re one of the most important people in my life,” “I value our friendship,” “You mean a lot to me,” etc. But actions will always speak louder than words. I’m the type of person who always strives to see the good in people because that’s just the kind of heart I have. I can see all these red flags, but still give them the benefit of the doubt. But I know at some point, I’ll need to come to terms with all of this and move on. Plain and simple. I will be okay and I am so glad spring break is just around the corner. The timing couldn’t have been better. I would hope that he thinks about what I’ve said during this week we have off and seriously think about our friendship, but I can already guarantee that’s not going to happen. From the patterns of behavior I’ve seen, he’s going to hang out with his friends, do everything he can to stay occupied just so he can avoid thinking about this. But I’m not going to even try to figure him out because I’m exhausted and it’s just not my place. I can’t believe I’m going to take advice from him right now, but when I was having a bad week one time, he told me, “all will be well.” That’s how I have to look at this situation. It’s his loss.

-beautifuldarkmystery