Normally on Tuesdays, I help out a professor from 1PM-3PM after my one class. However, this week, she told me to come Wednesday instead of Tuesday. I was kind of relieved because this meant I wouldn’t have to see him. He has a class around the same time I arrive at the building and he normally waits outside in the hall. So since I didn’t have to work for her today, that meant avoiding him…or so I thought. Even though I didn’t have to help her today, I still had to stay on campus to do an interview for one of my assignments. I took a different path than I normally did and I ended up walking right behind him. I know, just my luck. Anyway, I didn’t even notice at first because there were so many people (it was passing period so people were everywhere, going in all directions). All of a sudden I see his backpack and recognize it, then I look up even more and see that it’s him. He was walking with this girl who was wearing a black laced top and mint jeans. I couldn’t see her face because she was walking in front of me and she was wearing sunglasses. I don’t know if this is the new girl he supposedly likes, but I was CRUSHED. I literally whispered, “Oh s***” under my breath and I quickly tried to go around them, hoping he didn’t see me. When I got to the building my interview was in, I looked through the tinted window and I saw them walking. My heart began to race and I could feel a new wave of pain settling in. This is so difficult for me. For once, I really want the guy I can’t have. He doesn’t feel the same about me anymore and I don’t want to believe it.
I really wish I hadn’t invested so many feelings in this nonexistent relationship from the start because whenever there are feelings involved, you know you’re basically doomed. It’s my own fault and he’s tried to apologize to me thinking this is his fault, but I know it was my own. I set myself up for this one. This is the type of stuff you see in the movies, and now it’s actually happening in my own life. I don’t know how I feel about that. There’s so much drama but I don’t want to be involved.
And I know I need to stop comparing myself to other girls. I know there will always be someone better than me out there…someone smarter, someone prettier, etc. But I don’t know how to get over this self-confidence issue. I think because I was having issues before I even met him, this just makes everything worse. I think I need to have faith now more than ever. I need to trust that there’s a guy out there for me who’s going to love me for who I am, with or without makeup, a guy who’ll see my flaws and accept them, a guy who will help me become a better person. I have to trust. I guess it’s just hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel right now because I’ve been so unsuccessful in this area of my life.
I really could use a friend tomorrow, so I’m going to grab dinner with one of my friends, we’ll call him Andy, after my last class. I just want someone to talk to and he said he’ll meet up with me. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this already, but the thing that bothers me the most about this situation is that I bet he (the guy I like) is not as affected by this as I am. He supposedly doesn’t let anything bother him, so I’m worried that he doesn’t even care that I’m not talking to him right now. I mean, he was fine talking to that girl today. I don’t understand how he can just move on like that so quickly. I will never be able to begin to express my frustration and pain. But I’m going to go to class like nothing’s wrong. I don’t want him to see me suffer because I think that’s the WORST thing I could do right now. It’s a good thing I’ve got other friends in that class I can talk to.
But I definitely didn’t like what I saw this morning. The thing is, I knew that I was going to be disappointed in the end. Our “friendship” was based on words…not actions. Now I’m paying the price. I’m so stupid sometimes, that I think that maybe I’m better off not being in a relationship. I mean, obviously, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I know that people say you find what you’re looking for when you stop looking for it, but this is driving me crazy. All I want is to have a guy in my life who will love me, treat me with respect, and shows me that he wants to be with me. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.
Now that I think about it, I’m noticing a pattern I’ve developed. This isn’t a bad thing, but I’ve noticed that pretty much every guy friend I’ve had in my life is gay. I wonder why this is…perhaps it’s because I know they can’t hurt me in that way. I’m going to be real for a second. I don’t think a guy and a girl can just be friends without one developing feelings for the other at some point (unless you’re in my situation, where that’s just not possible). That’s my opinion and I’ve got proof in my own life for justification. As much as I want to forgive “Tom” right now, I can’t, and I don’t know when I will. It’s not that I’m trying to hold a grudge or anything. I really want him to see that what he did was not okay. I even told him in my Facebook message that things will never be the same after this…no matter how hard he tries to believe that. I don’t even think he realizes that. Just because I’m mad at him right now, doesn’t mean I don’t care about him. I’ll still be here for him, but I can’t be a friend to him RIGHT NOW. It’s just too painful.
As much as I don’t want things to work out with this girl, that’s not being a good friend. I know that if two people are meant to be together, they’ll find their way back. I don’t know what it is about him that I’m still so very attracted to, but I need to believe that. If we are truly meant to be together, then it will happen. But something is telling me that this is it. I’m friend-zoned from here on out.
Okay, this was way longer than I intended it to be. I’m so sorry. I really need somewhere to let everything out. I can’t keep my emotions bottled up any longer. I can’t wait to have dinner with my friend tomorrow, because I need this. I need to talk to someone and get some advice. I feel so lost right now.