i’m afraid.

I’m afraid that I’m digging myself a hole that I won’t be able to get out of. This summer has been amazing, mostly because “Tom” and I have grown super close. He says it’s all thanks to me because I picked up on some of his hobbies/interests, but honestly, he’s made more of an effort as well. This was the first summer in the two years we’ve known each other, that we’ve talked (texted) almost every night and actually hung out and saw each other over the 3-month break. The best part is that I FINALLY feel like I can be myself around him. For me (as well as a whole bunch of other people), when I like a guy, I am SUPER aware and conscious of how I behave. Being an introvert, I tend to think people are analyzing me more than they probably are so that results in me being super awkward and quiet. However, this summer was different. I wasn’t afraid of embarrassing myself or having my moments. He made fun of me of course, but it was all in good fun.

However, as we grew closer this summer, the more we acted like we were in a relationship. The time we spent together at the beach during the film, had me questioning if he still has feelings for me. I’ll never forget the one day we were just hanging around while everyone else was filming and he pulled me onto his lap and wrapped his arms around my waist. Do friends do that to each other? I don’t think so, but maybe they do.

The day he came over, a couple of days before school started, it was just the two of us at my house. We watched a movie and ate pizza, but then we started the tickling/wrestling matches. If this was us two years ago, we weren’t anywhere near that stage in our relationship. But there were times I caught myself staring at him and times I caught him staring at me. The way he pulled me off the couch so that I landed on top of him. The way he wrapped his arms around me so that my legs were draped over him and my head against his chest. The way he rested his head on my chest as we lay on the couch together. I don’t know…to me, these are things that friends don’t just do with each other, at least me and my friends.

The thing that worries me is that I’ve become so emotionally invested in this guy that at times I just want to straight up ask him what are we doing. I want answers. I want to know how he feels about me. At the same time, I don’t want to ruin the risk of having things go back the way they were, when we felt uncomfortable around each other. It’s like I think he wants the relationship, but he doesn’t want to ruin the friendship that we have and unfortunately, he can’t have both. But for me personally, I can’t separate my feelings from the friendship. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but it makes sense to me. Like, I don’t know that I’d be able to be “just friends” with him. In my mind, it’s as if we’re already in a relationship, it’s just not “official.” I can tell you right now that if I were to see him being all cuddly with another girl on campus, it would break my heart. I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared. I want to have this discussion with him, but I’m afraid that because of what happened before (the last time he told me how he felt, we eventually wound up in a fight which resulted in not speaking to each other for a month). This sucks.


Has anyone else been in a situation like this before? What did you do?