i’m afraid.

I’m afraid that I’m digging myself a hole that I won’t be able to get out of. This summer has been amazing, mostly because “Tom” and I have grown super close. He says it’s all thanks to me because I picked up on some of his hobbies/interests, but honestly, he’s made more of an effort as well. This was the first summer in the two years we’ve known each other, that we’ve talked (texted) almost every night and actually hung out and saw each other over the 3-month break. The best part is that I FINALLY feel like I can be myself around him. For me (as well as a whole bunch of other people), when I like a guy, I am SUPER aware and conscious of how I behave. Being an introvert, I tend to think people are analyzing me more than they probably are so that results in me being super awkward and quiet. However, this summer was different. I wasn’t afraid of embarrassing myself or having my moments. He made fun of me of course, but it was all in good fun.

However, as we grew closer this summer, the more we acted like we were in a relationship. The time we spent together at the beach during the film, had me questioning if he still has feelings for me. I’ll never forget the one day we were just hanging around while everyone else was filming and he pulled me onto his lap and wrapped his arms around my waist. Do friends do that to each other? I don’t think so, but maybe they do.

The day he came over, a couple of days before school started, it was just the two of us at my house. We watched a movie and ate pizza, but then we started the tickling/wrestling matches. If this was us two years ago, we weren’t anywhere near that stage in our relationship. But there were times I caught myself staring at him and times I caught him staring at me. The way he pulled me off the couch so that I landed on top of him. The way he wrapped his arms around me so that my legs were draped over him and my head against his chest. The way he rested his head on my chest as we lay on the couch together. I don’t know…to me, these are things that friends don’t just do with each other, at least me and my friends.

The thing that worries me is that I’ve become so emotionally invested in this guy that at times I just want to straight up ask him what are we doing. I want answers. I want to know how he feels about me. At the same time, I don’t want to ruin the risk of having things go back the way they were, when we felt uncomfortable around each other. It’s like I think he wants the relationship, but he doesn’t want to ruin the friendship that we have and unfortunately, he can’t have both. But for me personally, I can’t separate my feelings from the friendship. I don’t know if that makes any sense, but it makes sense to me. Like, I don’t know that I’d be able to be “just friends” with him. In my mind, it’s as if we’re already in a relationship, it’s just not “official.” I can tell you right now that if I were to see him being all cuddly with another girl on campus, it would break my heart. I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared. I want to have this discussion with him, but I’m afraid that because of what happened before (the last time he told me how he felt, we eventually wound up in a fight which resulted in not speaking to each other for a month). This sucks.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Has anyone else been in a situation like this before? What did you do? 

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“i really like your dress.”

I just have to say this because I think it’s worth sharing. So when I woke up this morning, I knew it was going to be a beautiful day in terms of the weather, so I broke out the spring/summer clothes. I wore this black and white blouse with a hi-low skirt. I did my hair and makeup, and wore my black Oxfords. I completed my outfit with a black and gold necklace from Forever 21. When I got to school, I had about 15-20 minutes to kill before my class, so I went to the library. Moments after sitting down, this guy walks up to me. I’m not trying to be superficial here or anything, but he wasn’t the best looking guy and he was a little awkward. I was working on breaking down a script when I hear this voice to my right. “Excuse me, excuse me.” I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me so he had to say it twice. My bad. I look up and see him. I smile, and say hello. He said, “I meant to tell this earlier, but I really like your dress (everyone thought it was a dress even though it was two pieces, but that’s okay. It was pretty convincing) and I just wanted to tell you it looks good on you. ” I smile and say, “Well thank you.” It didn’t come off as creepy at all, and as a matter of fact, I was completely humbled and flattered. Here’s this young man who may not have the best social skills, yet he had the guts to walk up to a complete stranger and give a compliment. THAT’S impressive. The guy I liked could never say that to my face. It was always through text. Should have known…

After that, I received a lot more compliments on my outfit. I should dress up more often. I’m not one of those narcissistic people who thrives on compliments. Sometimes it just makes you feel good and puts you in a good mood…not in an egotistical way, if that makes any sense. But yeah, overall, today was a good day. 🙂 I’m slowly recovering from that other situation, but it’ll still take some time. I’m actually more okay than I thought I’d be at this point, which is good! I just need to keep surrounding myself with good people.

under his spell.

Today is Wednesday, which means I had my class with him. We’re going to work on a group project together which is great, because I’m looking forward to spending more time with him. As soon as I left class and got to the library to begin my 3-hour break, he texted me and asked if I was free because he got out of class early. I don’t know if I’m overanalyzing this, but I’m pretty sure that means I was the first person he thought about because obviously he wanted to see me. When I asked him why his class got out so early, he said it was because they were supposed to be working on a group project. So he left and came to see me. I don’t think that’s a very good thing, but these are definitely actions and he’s showing me that he likes me…which is good!

So he hung out with me for a little bit today, which made me really happy. Now I can’t even concentrate on any of my homework because all I’m thinking about is him. Boys…why do they do this to us. The conversation we had wasn’t awkward like it has been, which is good. We’re becoming more comfortable around each other. He came up from behind me and gave me a hug, which made me smile. We joked around, he made fun of me as usual. At one point he hugged me and said, “You know I love you.” I know this wasn’t meant in a romantic sense, but I don’t know…to hear the words come out of his mouth made me feel special. I’ve never heard those words from a guy’s mouth, let alone have it be directed at me…even if in a friendly way. To be honest, I don’t know that I love him in a romantic way yet. It’s hard to tell. I feel like the word is used so loosely so I want to be careful. I’ve heard that you KNOW when you’re in love. I guess because I’ve never experienced it before, I’m not sure what it will feel like or how I will know. It’s a little far-fetched at the moment, but just maybe he’ll be that person I say “I love you” to. But if so, that’ll be a while from now.

He sat really close to me, so I tried to sit closer to him. It wasn’t awkward at all. I think we just need to let things happen naturally. As stupid and obvious as it seems. We were the most comfortable we’ve been around each other and we didn’t say anything about relationships or dating. This will be an interesting journey, but I’m along for the ride.

I don’t know. I feel like I’m beginning to open up to him. Eventually I want to be able to share parts of my life with him. And of course, I want to know about him. I want him to be able to share things with me as well. I really like him. I really do. I hate feeling this way in a sense because it’s like I’m under this spell. I try not to allow people to have control over me, but he’s one of those people. I’m starting to fall…

-beautifuldarkmystery

Have you ever been in love? If so, what was it like?

actions speak louder than words.

I’m still trying to train myself to think this way when it comes to dating because it’s true, actions speak louder than words. Especially considering my current situation, this couldn’t be any more appropriate. He’s a really nice guy and doesn’t want to say or do anything to make me feel uncomfortable, which I appreciate. I just wish he would do a little more showing.

Yes, he’s the type of person who sends some of the sweetest text messages. He’s constantly telling me how beautiful I am and things like that. Sure, it makes me smile. But when we’re together at school and whatnot, he doesn’t even want to touch me. I’ll be the one who initiates a hug when I first see him and before I leave.

With any relationship I get into, I want the guy to not be afraid to show his love and affection for me. I want him to just do it. Don’t hesitate or be awkward about it. I tend to be an awkward person myself…put another person in the mix and it gets ugly. It’s one thing for him to tell me that I’m pretty or the most beautiful girl he’s ever met. It’s another thing to SHOW it. I don’t want him to be afraid to hold my hand in public or just hold me and embrace me. I need that emotional connection.

It’s interesting because most of us go by this idea that actions speak louder than words, but what about those online relationships? I’ve always been fascinated at how a romantic/emotional connection can develop between two people over the Internet. Doesn’t that make you wonder? In that case, it’s a relationship strictly based off of words. I don’t think I could ever do that. I need the physical connection as well. That’s not to say that online relationships are terrible. Personally, they’re not for me, but there have been ones that have worked out. I am obsessed with Catfish: The TV Show and I watched the Catfish documentary as well. Very interesting stuff. Just think…about twenty years ago, online dating didn’t exist!

But back to the topic, I love the little things a guy can do…hold my hand, give me a hug, look in my eyes and smile. All that nonverbal communication is just as important as the verbal communication. I hope that one day, he and I will be able to feel comfortable enough to be affectionate around each other. I don’t think he’s that type of person, but I could be wrong. He may turn out to be one of the most affectionate people I have ever met. We’ll see.

-beautifuldarkmystery

Do actions speak louder than words for you? Why or why not?