some things fall apart so other things can fall together.

I’ve been texting him a lot tonight and our conversation suddenly took a turn towards the deep end…we just broke up recently and obviously the feelings are still there on both ends. But he wanted to know if he should tell me if/when he meets someone new. I didn’t really know how to answer this at first, but basically I told him that I would want him to tell me so I wouldn’t be waiting around wishing on something that’s not going to happen. However, because my feelings are so strong, I wouldn’t be happy…I would start to pull away. Then he responded with something like, “Well then you won’t have to worry about that because I don’t want you to pull away. I need you in my life.” See how sticky this situation is??? I told him it wouldn’t be temporary, but it WOULD be difficult for me to be in his life, seeing him happy with someone else. I know I’m not alone in this. We’ve all gone through it at some point.

This whole conversation started when I brought up the film festival a few of our mutual friends gathered for back in June. There was one particular night when a group of us were hanging out at the after party and we were all bowling and having a good time. He pointed out that that night is his favorite memory of me because he’d never seen me so free and happy before. I’m typically a reserved and quiet person…a lot of my friends know me as the “serious one,” but that night, it was like everyone saw a different side of me, a FUN side. Yes, serious people know how to have a little fun too. Anyway, then I started joking around saying that I’ll probably have plenty more of those nights now that I’ve moved and he said he wish he could be there to see it. Then, randomly, he said, “Yeah, you’re sure to catch someone’s eye.” I said, “What’s that supposed to mean?” He said, That you’re beautiful and amazing.” And then we went on from there. I said, “The girl you end up with is going to be a lucky one. Guarantee it. 🙂 You’re more amazing than you think.” He responded with, “Here’s to hoping it’s you. And the same goes for you. Whoever you end up with there will always be a part of me that’s jealous.”

It’s difficult not being in a relationship anymore when the feelings are still so strong and very much there. He plans on visiting me at least once this semester and he still wants to take me to Disneyland for my birthday. I don’t know if this is going to help or hurt us, especially since we’re trying to hard to “move on.” I keep having this gut feeling that he’s going to meet someone this semester or grow closer to someone this semester and then I’m going to get that dreaded text or phone call. I fear this because it’s happened before. A long time ago when I was still in school, I was working a shift at a local film festival and he texted me and said something along the lines of, “Do you think we’ll ever end up together? I’ve been hanging out with someone and I feel like I’m betraying you.” That was one of THE worst text messages I had ever received and I fear that history is going to repeat itself and I’ll be the one hurt again. Feelings suck. I wish I could detach them all…

Speaking of feelings, he told me he didn’t have very many until he met me. That was kind of nice to hear because it only reaffirmed that what we had was very real. The feelings were real. It wasn’t just some relationship. We truly loved each other and we still do. These last two weeks have been hell for us…from breaking up to coping with trying to go back to being “just friends.” It’s been difficult. And now that I’m 300 miles away from him, it sucks even more. But I mean, maybe we have to be apart to realize how much we need each other. We may even date some people between now and the next time we see each other. But at the end of the day, I truly believe with all of my heart that if we love each other, we will find our way back. I strongly believe it. There’s something about him, there’s a connection I feel with him that I don’t feel with anyone else. I don’t know how to describe it. But I don’t want to get my hopes up and be disappointed yet again. But something is telling me that this isn’t over yet. My mom’s told me the same thing, some of our friends have said the same thing. I can only hope that they are all right.

-beautifuldarkmystery

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