Okay, so I really want to get something off my chest and I feel like this is the best place to do it. First off, I just want to say that for those of you who have given me advice or have told me you love my blog, I really appreciate it and I can’t thank you enough. It makes me feel so much better to know that I’m not alone and that others can relate. Sometimes, I think that’s all we need…honestly.
I’ve been thinking about “Tom” a lot lately. Ever since he told me he started hanging out with someone and felt like he had to ask me where we stood in our “relationship” so that it could be clearly defined for him, I’ve been thinking about whether this friendship is even worth it. I feel like ever since I met him, I’ve been trying to convince myself to stay in it because he means so much to me and blah blah blah.
A few days ago, I sat at my computer, turned my webcam on, and hit the record button. In one take, I sat in front of the screen, talking as if he were right across from me…and something happened that I didn’t expect…I cried. When I finished recording, I did some editing and exported it. The thing is…I don’t think I’ll ever show it to him. My family doesn’t even know about this…not even my sister, whom I tell practically everything to. It’s more for personal reasons I guess. I think I wanted to see where I stood in terms of how I feel about him and where we stand to this day, and I think that after recording that video, it’s pretty obvious that I still have feelings for him.
It’s so hard to be friends with someone when you see him/her as more than a friend. I mean, especially with the way things were going, I thought for sure, something was going to happen. And now I can’t get over it. So…it’s got me thinking…what if being in this friendship is what’s “killing” me. Some days I think it’d be so much easier to walk away because sometimes, seeing or speaking to him makes things that much more difficult. If I were to cut him completely out of my life, I think I’d be able to move on. I always hate talking like this because I always think I sound so overly dramatic or drastic. I’m not doing this to seek attention from him. There are some days I wake up and feel like I’m at a crossroad with him and I don’t know if I should keep going or pull away.
As much as I love him and care about him and want to be there for him…sometimes I feel like I don’t have the strength. Right now, the thought of him talking to someone else or even changing his relationship status on Facebook makes my stomach turn. Why did he have to make me feel so special? Why did he have to say all those nice things to me? Why? I need to move on. This has gone on way too long and I’m afraid that if I keep going, I’m going to end up hurting even more than the first time.
Should I stay or should I leave? I know it’s probably easier said than done, but I just don’t know what to do anymore.