story of my life.

So I’ve been watching this show right? And I can’t help but draw so many parallels to what’s going on between the characters and what’s going on with me and the people in my own life. Freaky coincidence? Who knows…

Anyways, so after watching this show for about two weeks now, it’s got me thinking. I have no reason to doubt this because it could be totally true, but I’m wondering if “Tom” backed out on our relationship before it even started because he was afraid of losing the friendship. We all know that once you cross that line, it’s hard to go back to being friends. It’s the truth because once those feelings are there, they don’t completely go away. I’m not going to sit here and make a list of assumptions, but it’s definitely made me wonder if he really just doesn’t want to lose me as a friend.

However, I feel like at the same time, you’ll never know what could be if you don’t take the risk. I guess I’m not worth the risk, which I guess is both good and bad, right? I really do believe we’re better off as just friends. Things just get super awkward when they appear forced, but there will always be a part of me that hopes it’ll work out.

But every time my mind wanders in that direction, I suddenly remember who I’m dealing with here…Tom’s a great guy, don’t get me wrong. But he is emotionally unavailable. He claims he has no secrets and that he doesn’t hold back anything but I find that hard to believe because we all have secrets…some of us just have deeper and darker ones than others. I also made this point to him…I said that when I wrote him that letter that explained everything I had been through over the last couple of years, I regretted it at first because I felt he didn’t deserve to know. However, because of how everything went down and the way we practically ended things, I didn’t want to leave him without letting him know how much he meant to me…but that’s just me, I’m an emotional person, and I’m not afraid to show it. If I truly and deeply care about someone, I’ll let them know. Now, maybe that’s not him…he doesn’t strike me as the emotional and compassionate type no offense to him, but I also told him that I usually don’t open up people unless they do it first. It’s a universal fact…no one likes to feel vulnerable or show others that vulnerability.

I don’t know…it’ll just feel strange sometimes because I’ll tell him what’s wrong and then he kind of brushes it off like it’s no big deal. I’m sure he doesn’t mean for it to be that way, I just think he doesn’t know how to handle emotion…which is I guess the reason why we have never had a heart-to-heart conversation in person, which kind of sucks because for me personally, I like to feel that deeper, more intimate connection with someone I call my best friend.

At the same time, whenever I make a new friend, I try to lower my expectations and tell myself that they won’t be here forever. They’ll come, stay for a year or two, then leave…just like everyone else. It’s a sad way to think about it, but if I’m being real here, it’s very true. I’ve never been the one to keep friends. I’ll reach out and make the effort but at some point, you just have to know when to let go.

It’s kind of frustrating because I want more from him, but at the same time, that’s not in my control. I can’t change people and I can’t change their behavior. I just think it’s sad because as a human being, I think it’s important to allow yourself to feel different emotions. Crying isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of being human. I’m not saying he should go around crying and complaining…I guess I just appreciate people more when they’re vulnerable in front of me because A) it’s a hard thing to do and B) I know that they confide in me.

I don’t know, it’s just a thought. It was a little freaky because the main character likes these two girls and is conflicted with his feelings for both of them. At the same time, he’s keeping all these secrets from them, leaving the girls to constantly question their friendships with him. So many similarities, so relatable. Story of my life.

-beautifuldarkmystery

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