a little self-reflection.

So now that my school year is almost over, I figured it’d be appropriate for a little self-reflection. It might be boring, it might be interesting. I have to say that by far this year has been the craziest, both good and bad. Let’s start with the positives.

Fall Semester:
Fall semester was great. I wrote, directed, and produced my first short film. It wasn’t the best, but there’s a first for everything and the most important thing to do is to learn from your mistakes and move forward. With only a month to put the whole thing together, I must say we did a pretty good job. And for once, I didn’t have any irresponsible people in my group. Everyone was pretty much dependable and responsible and that’s all I could ask for. For our final, we screened all the final productions in the theater on a big screen…a little taste of what life could be like from now. It was pretty exciting. Although we didn’t win any awards, we were still winners in my eyes.

Fall semester was also when the guy I liked confessed his feelings for me. We were starting to grow closer and I got butterflies every time I was around him. This was the first time I got those feelings since my last relationship so for me, it was kind of a huge deal. Things like this don’t usually work out the way I want them to. It’s always either I like the guy and he doesn’t like me back or the other way around. :/ For the first time, I felt like things were beginning to fall into place and I might actually have a chance with this guy. But of course, things sort of fell apart next semester. But I’ll get into that later.

As for negatives, I don’t think I have anything. Honestly, all fall semester’s a blur to me now that it’s been a few months. I guess the only sad thing that happened was when the guy I liked said we should just be friends before we even went out on a date or even tried to be a relationship. I don’t know why he got cold feet all of a sudden considering he sure talked up a huge storm about having feelings for me over the year and a half we’ve known each other. Yeah, it sucked, but I wasn’t going to take it personally. In all honesty, it still felt a little weird, like we were trying too hard and some things felt forced and it shouldn’t feel like that. I was just excited to have a class with him again the following semester. During the fall semester, I didn’t see him at all until the very end when I made an effort to come to campus early and meet up with him during his break.

Spring Semester:
Spring semester was crazy! The semester started off kind of rough because I was in danger of being under-enrolled unit-wise. And for those of you who are in college and know how crazy it is during the first couple of weeks trying to get classes, you know how I felt. Once that settled, I got adjusted to my new schedule. I was happy to see “Tom” again on a weekly basis and I was really looking forward to this semester because of that.

Just as the semester started, I went to my major advisor because I wanted to find out how I could get involved in the film department  on campus. He sent me to another professor, and I became her TA. Although that wasn’t exactly what I was looking for, being her TA was good work experience for me. It was crazy and overwhelming at times, but at the end of the day, I gained a mentor, someone who’s pledged to help me with whatever I need and write references if I need them. That’s more than I could have ever asked for.

A new semester means new friends and I continued meeting more film majors. One guy was in all four of my film classes, which has never happened to me before, but it was fun. We became pretty good friends. The beginning of the semester is always kind of awkward because you don’t know anyone in your class, but then I’m always sad when it’s over because some of the people I never thought I’d become friends with, I did, and it’s just sad when it’s all over. Maybe I’m just weid like that and I always get that bittersweet feeling when a semester is over.

I took a business of film class, which required us to volunteer at the film festival that occurs annually near our school. It was a LOT of work but totally worth it. I never thought that by working in merchandise I’d get as many opportunities to talk and interact with the filmmakers. But I did, and it was very inspiring and flipped a switch in me that made me want to start making more short films and getting my work out there. I definitely want to volunteer again next semester. I think it’s great that this class required us to volunteer because I don’t know that I’d necessarily do it on my own. I’m a very introverted person, as I’ve mentioned before, so doing this work definitely helped me step beyond my comfort zone and learn how to put myself out there. Overall, a rewarding experience.

And last but not least, I can’t forget about making the Dean’s List. It was one of my most proudest moments. Ever since I can remember, my dad’s always been the one who’s helped me with homework and projects. I’d like to think he’s half responsible for the grades I received. When I got to college, however, things changed. I stopped going to him for help and I made myself learn the material. I don’t know what it was, but something clicked and I wanted to do better. So when I found out I made the Dean’s List, I knew I did this on my own…that the grades I earned were all me, without my dad’s help. It’s like one of those moments…like when you first learn to ride your bike without the training wheels, or driving by yourself for the first time without your parents in the car…that kind of feeling. I attended the honors convocation and it was great. Sitting in the audience representing the College of Humanities & The Arts…Wow, it only makes me want to strive and do better in college.

Unfortunately, with the positives, there were also negatives. Let’s start with the most recent. I’ll never forget the day I saw someone die in front of my eyes. You see this stuff on TV all the time but you know it’s fake. A man jumped from the parking garage and killed himself. I’m glad I didn’t actually see it happen, but I still saw the aftermath. A limp, lifeless body in a pool of blood. I couldn’t believe what I saw and I think it forever changed the way I think about life. We say it all the time…life’s fragile, we’re only given one chance to live…but I don’t think you can truly understand what that means until or unless you experience something like this. For me it was a true shock because I’ve lived a pretty sheltered life and have never seen anything so graphic with my own two eyes. My heart goes out to that man and I hope he’s resting in peace. It breaks my heart that to him, this was the only solution. I’ll never forget that day as long as I live.

And then there’s the other negative, the one that left me with a broke heart. The night Tom basically told me he liked someone else was one of the worst nights of my life. I actually felt physically sick and it wasn’t until that night when I realize how hard I was beginning to fall for him. Unfortunately, things only got worse from there as I called him out on certain things, which resulted in us not speaking for a month. When we reconciled, I ended up forgiving him because it’s what I always do, but I let him know that I didn’t forget. Things are still a little tense, I feel because I actually thought this was going to go somewhere, but this was the semester we began to see each other’s true colors. I’m not sure I liked what I saw but I guess we’ll see what happens from here. It’s so hard for me to lower my expectations of him and as a result, I feel like I’m constantly disappointed. But this semester is over, which means fresh start this fall. We’ll see.

Overall, I can’t complain about this year. I’ve learned a lot, not just academically, but in terms of learning about myself, I’ve learned a lot too. There were definitely some bumps in the road but I made it and I’m ready for summer.

-beautifuldarkmystery

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