i’m torn.

So tonight I had my honors convocation and I posted some pics from the night. Then he texts me and says, “Congrats on the award, my friend.” The last two words fried me….really? I HATE being friend-zoned like this. Like, my life might as well be a soap opera right now because this is just too much. Right then and there I wanted to send him a message over Facebook, but then decided not to. I figured, if I did, then I’d be doing it more out of impulse.

But I am torn right now, and here’s why. Yes, I am glad we’re speaking again and on somewhat good terms. But I’m not happy that things are different between us now…like the way he treats me, the way he talks to me…I miss the OLD us. So I’m torn between making myself happy and making him happy. A part of me wants to say what’s on my mind right now and let him know that this isn’t going to work…while another part of me wants to keep quiet. There are only a couple of weeks left in the semester. Then summer will be here, which means when we return in the fall, it’ll be a new semester and I won’t have to see him around campus…hopefully. And maybe we can just “drift” apart. He just doesn’t understand where I’m coming from and at this point, I feel like trying to explain it to him will be like talking to a wall.

I mean, at this point, I really don’t think I should be sacrificing my own happiness for someone else. If I’m not happy in this friendship, then I have a right to remove myself from it. I honestly feel like the only way I’ll ever be able to move on from any of this is to stop talking to him, stop seeing him, etc. Every time I see him I’m reminded that things are different and that I’m no longer the one he likes or wants to be with, and that sucks! No one likes feeling that way.

I don’t want to make it seem like I’m giving up on him, but sometimes, if you truly love someone, you have to let him/her go. When it comes down to happiness, I don’t care if it seems like I’m  being selfish, I need to be happy again and my happiness comes first. And sometimes, I need to realize that there’s a difference between giving up and doing what’s best for me. I know I can’t change a person, so why am I still doing this, going through the same routine…

I really don’t know what to do, and this is where you guys come in. Some advice would be much appreciated. I mean, right now, I’m leaning more towards just keeping quiet until the end of the semester and slowly start to pull away as he fades out of my life. In a way, that’s not good for my happiness, because it means two weeks of being unhappy around him. But at the same time, I feel that by doing things this way, not only are we ending things on a non-confrontative note, but in this case, I believe silence is the best way to let him know he did something wrong. If he decides to randomly ask me what happened, then I can explain. But I won’t be aggressive about it, jut real and honest. I don’t know. What do you think?

-beautifuldarkmystery

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4 thoughts on “i’m torn.

  1. Odd College Guy says:

    Sometimes you have to stop trying to see if they will put forth effort to make things work. That’s really tough because of how you feel, but that’s what I had to do. It sucks having things be so complicated so I just had to give up for the sake of my own happiness. Maybe if you walk away, they’ll realize what they’re missing..You.

    • beautifuldarkmystery says:

      Yeah that’s how I’m feeling right now…I mean at this point, my happiness is important. Throughout my life, I’ve always felt this need to please everyone else, but it gets exhausting!! Right now, my happiness is more important to me. I mean, honestly, I did let him off the hook easily. He needs to be the one to work and earn back my trust and respect. But at the same time, it’s frustrating because he’s starting to try and make an effort, but it’s not the way I want it…meaning I can’t accept the fact we’re just friends. I think there will always be that small part of me that wants to be with him and my brain/heart won’t allow myself to accept that he doesn’t feel the same way. So, I mean….the only other thing left to do is move on. If I’m going to be this unhappy, I don’t think it’s worth it. :/

      So do you think I should just not say anything and act normally for these last couple of weeks and then slowly start to pull away going into summer and the fall semester? I mean…there are only literally two weeks left in the semester and they’ll go by fast. It’s always difficult when your heart and brain tell you conflicting messages.

      But it’s like I said, I think I need to just realize that I’m not giving up on him. That’s really the only thing that’s stopping me…I don’t want him to think that. However, some things are not meant to work out and as much as I’d like to still have him in my life. I just don’t know how much it’s really worth…if I have to keep sacrificing my happiness, then something’s wrong.

      -beautifuldarkmystery

      • Odd College Guy says:

        This is a tough situation for sure. I would definitely just play it cool and talk to him or whatever, and just let the distance over the summer to help drift apart. That’s what I would do, except in my case the girl lives in my town and we work together haha. But in the end, you just have to do what makes you happy. It seems like just being friends isn’t gonna cut it and I totally understand that because I’m right there with ya. You gotta see if he will make more of an effort, so maybe don’t talk to him as much or only talk to him or text him if he initiates a conversation.

        I hope everything works out and you get everything figured out. You deserve to be happy 🙂

    • beautifuldarkmystery says:

      Ohhh sorry to hear that…must be difficult at times. I think I would go crazy haha. But anyways, thank you for your thoughts/advice. I appreciate it and yeah, I hope this works out too, for whatever it’s worth and whether that be we grow apart or remain friends (but at this point, that doesn’t seem likely). I think I’ll only talk to him if he initiates it. And then during class I’ll just have casual conversations with him like always. If he confronts me and says I’m not making an effort, then I guess I’ll explain. But I highly doubt that will happen because that’s not like him. So we’ll see…

      Thanks again. And I hope I get this straightened out. You hang in there too. People like us deserve nothing but the best haha

      -beautifuldarkmystery

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