moving on.

Last night I was debating on whether I should give him a letter or not…I wanted him to know all the things I was going to say on Monday if we met up. I also wrote another letter apologizing for coming across so harshly with my words when I got upset with him. However, I also told him I don’t regret what I said. I can’t be friends with someone who won’t communicate with me.

I was so nervous this morning. I walked into class and saw him sitting at his desk, reading one of his comic books. I walked up to him, slid the note on his desk, and walked to my seat. From where I was sitting, I didn’t want to look back and see if he was reading it or not, but I really wanted to know. Here’s my reason for doing this. I didn’t want him to get the impression that I simply gave up on our friendship. I gave him my word and said I will always be here for you if you need me, and I never back down on my word. However, I also said that we can’t be friends unless we’re on the same page. I hope that one day we can reconcile and have things back to the way they were, but truthfully, that’s going to be a long, long, way down the road, if at all.

I think I would have regretted not giving him the letter because on my end, I wanted to know that I did everything I could to be a good friend, to SHOW him that I will be there for him. I would be a hypocrite if I said one thing but acted differently. I’m not a fighter, and I don’t like going through these fights with people, especially the ones I really care about. But I don’t think he realizes that the reason why I am frustrated is BECAUSE I care. But at this point, I can only control my own thoughts and feelings. The only thing to do from here is to move on and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

It’s just a really sad situation. Here’s someone I truly care about and I want nothing but the best for him. Yet, he doesn’t even see that anything is wrong. To him, all of this is normal. I honestly don’t think he’s ever had someone stand up to him like this. I think he’s gotten so comfortable with sweeping problems under the rug, or he’s surrounded himself with people who act as though nothing is wrong. Now he’s lost a friend because of this behavior and to tell you the truth, I still don’t believe he’ll see anything wrong with it. In his mind, he’s probably thinking, “That’s okay, I’ve got plenty of other friends, this doesn’t bother me.” Well if that’s the case, then I really know where we stand now.

I hate that I care so much sometimes. For once, I want those actions to be reciprocated. I don’t think it’s much to ask for. I thought I had something really great with this guy, but now I’m realizing that his words were nothing but empty promises. I’m just hoping that all of this “bad luck” I’m having with friends means that God has someone really special and really important who’s going to come along and make me realize that all these obstacles and waiting was worth it. I’ll keep praying about it if I have to.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t thinking about it right now. I’d also be lying if I said I wasn’t bummed out about losing this friend. But at the same time, I’m also thinking, life’s too short to surround yourself with people that give you less than what you deserve. Truthfully, I do feel “happier” now that we’ve cut ties. I felt it, I the weight being lifted like I said, and it was like my whole mood changed. But of course there will always be a smal part of me that misses him because there was obviously something that attracted me to him in the first place. Plus we spent a really great year and a half being friends. Sometimes, you really have to think about what’s best for yourself.

These last couple of weeks have been extremely difficult for me because I was beginning to see his true colors and the type of person he really is. I wanted to believe his words, “I’ll always be here for you,” “You’re one of the most important people in my life,” “I value our friendship,” “You mean a lot to me,” etc. But actions will always speak louder than words. I’m the type of person who always strives to see the good in people because that’s just the kind of heart I have. I can see all these red flags, but still give them the benefit of the doubt. But I know at some point, I’ll need to come to terms with all of this and move on. Plain and simple. I will be okay and I am so glad spring break is just around the corner. The timing couldn’t have been better. I would hope that he thinks about what I’ve said during this week we have off and seriously think about our friendship, but I can already guarantee that’s not going to happen. From the patterns of behavior I’ve seen, he’s going to hang out with his friends, do everything he can to stay occupied just so he can avoid thinking about this. But I’m not going to even try to figure him out because I’m exhausted and it’s just not my place. I can’t believe I’m going to take advice from him right now, but when I was having a bad week one time, he told me, “all will be well.” That’s how I have to look at this situation. It’s his loss.

-beautifuldarkmystery

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2 thoughts on “moving on.

  1. yinfeelsyang says:

    i think it is time to share my part of story and yeah hope it helps in some way make you feel better and realize shit happens and some people are shit…

    okay…it was for the last time she would be within the country..she was leaving country and going abroad for studies…i was there waiting and counting days for her to go…i was just waiting if she would call me to meet and thank me for what i have done in her life…[you cannot even imagine to extend the things i did for her..remembering that today..i feel how stupid and foolish i was]..anyways, she never called….i took her support and thought she might be busy so i called…..i asked how she was!when she was going! i asked her to meet and finally she said she was very very very busy…..now i said its okay and hung up the phone…at that very moment..i was dead….my senses could not digest what i heard……i do not know how can a person deny to meet with person who have always done and felt good about him/her! i felt i was nothing for her..i was treated like she would get person like me the next day..i felt like i was just a garbage…so i kept quiet move with flow of my life..and today i do not know anything about her..but i have learned few things.and i hope it may help you and yeah..it may appear ideal or very spiritual but i am just a normal guy…

    1. do not want person you care,love to be what the way you want them…forget all of them..instead love,care people who are already the way you want or prefer..i don’t know what am saying..hehe..but theme is we cannot change people or make them as we want…it is worthless!
    if they even change..it is just fake…isn’t it?..if that boy you liked comes to you says sorry and tells he loves you(as you wanted)…it is just a joke because it is fake.because he has already shown what he is!

    2.first love yourself..be selfish..do things what you want for yourself….your inner desire…then only towards people you love most…the moment you do not love yourself..nobody will love you..the point is do things what you love..(like making films, i think you love it)…..now you are loving yourself…then the person you meet will love you because you love your self….hope it makes sense…today i have really loving friends..because i love myself(who i am..and what i do..).

    3. do not say you are good one..right one..one who cared..simply forget all those garbage…if someone loves you he will,,,,if you tell that person in face you hate him/her he will still love ..and yeah to person who doesn’t care….it doesn’t matter if you are miss world…

    4. be with person who wants you rather than person whom you want….from day i wanted to get rid of her from my life..i always went with people who love me…here is what i have been through…
    i use to send daily sms to her and reply came after days….with no life in them…but when i was with people who cared loved me..my just single hi..was enough to make them smile whole day….
    i feel to be with person who loves me than person i prefer….!!!

    these are things i went through..today i have people around me who care me…and i am able to stay without caring about her….

    • beautifuldarkmystery says:

      That is really sound advice, and thank you a lot! You’ve been extremely helpful throughout this whole situation and I appreciate your guidance. Like I said in my other reply, it’s nice to know that there are people out there who’ve been through similar experiences and can help you out because they KNOW all the feelings and emotions that come with it. They know the pain, the sadness, the confusion, the feeling of doubt. I am definitely going to surround myself with good people during break, hang out, make films, go snap some photos.

      I have to trust and believe that there is someone out there that wants everything I have to offer. And with this person, it shouldn’t be so much of an effort. Yes, I realize friendships/relationships require work, but at the same time, if someone loves and accepts me for who I am, then that’s already eliminating half of the struggle. I do wish him well and don’t resent him as a person. Do I hate what happened? Of course. But I’m the type of person that doesn’t carry hate in her heart. I don’t believe his true intention was to hurt me, this is just the way things worked out. I do wish him well and want him to be happy, whatever that means to him.

      -beautifuldarkmystery

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