Last night I was debating on whether I should give him a letter or not…I wanted him to know all the things I was going to say on Monday if we met up. I also wrote another letter apologizing for coming across so harshly with my words when I got upset with him. However, I also told him I don’t regret what I said. I can’t be friends with someone who won’t communicate with me.
I was so nervous this morning. I walked into class and saw him sitting at his desk, reading one of his comic books. I walked up to him, slid the note on his desk, and walked to my seat. From where I was sitting, I didn’t want to look back and see if he was reading it or not, but I really wanted to know. Here’s my reason for doing this. I didn’t want him to get the impression that I simply gave up on our friendship. I gave him my word and said I will always be here for you if you need me, and I never back down on my word. However, I also said that we can’t be friends unless we’re on the same page. I hope that one day we can reconcile and have things back to the way they were, but truthfully, that’s going to be a long, long, way down the road, if at all.
I think I would have regretted not giving him the letter because on my end, I wanted to know that I did everything I could to be a good friend, to SHOW him that I will be there for him. I would be a hypocrite if I said one thing but acted differently. I’m not a fighter, and I don’t like going through these fights with people, especially the ones I really care about. But I don’t think he realizes that the reason why I am frustrated is BECAUSE I care. But at this point, I can only control my own thoughts and feelings. The only thing to do from here is to move on and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
It’s just a really sad situation. Here’s someone I truly care about and I want nothing but the best for him. Yet, he doesn’t even see that anything is wrong. To him, all of this is normal. I honestly don’t think he’s ever had someone stand up to him like this. I think he’s gotten so comfortable with sweeping problems under the rug, or he’s surrounded himself with people who act as though nothing is wrong. Now he’s lost a friend because of this behavior and to tell you the truth, I still don’t believe he’ll see anything wrong with it. In his mind, he’s probably thinking, “That’s okay, I’ve got plenty of other friends, this doesn’t bother me.” Well if that’s the case, then I really know where we stand now.
I hate that I care so much sometimes. For once, I want those actions to be reciprocated. I don’t think it’s much to ask for. I thought I had something really great with this guy, but now I’m realizing that his words were nothing but empty promises. I’m just hoping that all of this “bad luck” I’m having with friends means that God has someone really special and really important who’s going to come along and make me realize that all these obstacles and waiting was worth it. I’ll keep praying about it if I have to.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t thinking about it right now. I’d also be lying if I said I wasn’t bummed out about losing this friend. But at the same time, I’m also thinking, life’s too short to surround yourself with people that give you less than what you deserve. Truthfully, I do feel “happier” now that we’ve cut ties. I felt it, I the weight being lifted like I said, and it was like my whole mood changed. But of course there will always be a smal part of me that misses him because there was obviously something that attracted me to him in the first place. Plus we spent a really great year and a half being friends. Sometimes, you really have to think about what’s best for yourself.
These last couple of weeks have been extremely difficult for me because I was beginning to see his true colors and the type of person he really is. I wanted to believe his words, “I’ll always be here for you,” “You’re one of the most important people in my life,” “I value our friendship,” “You mean a lot to me,” etc. But actions will always speak louder than words. I’m the type of person who always strives to see the good in people because that’s just the kind of heart I have. I can see all these red flags, but still give them the benefit of the doubt. But I know at some point, I’ll need to come to terms with all of this and move on. Plain and simple. I will be okay and I am so glad spring break is just around the corner. The timing couldn’t have been better. I would hope that he thinks about what I’ve said during this week we have off and seriously think about our friendship, but I can already guarantee that’s not going to happen. From the patterns of behavior I’ve seen, he’s going to hang out with his friends, do everything he can to stay occupied just so he can avoid thinking about this. But I’m not going to even try to figure him out because I’m exhausted and it’s just not my place. I can’t believe I’m going to take advice from him right now, but when I was having a bad week one time, he told me, “all will be well.” That’s how I have to look at this situation. It’s his loss.