Okay, so this is a little strange. Today I find myself not as angry or resentful at him as I was Thursday night when he told me he’s interested in someone else. Am I still mad? Of course, because I feel like I was being played this whole time and I hate that. I hope he feels bad about all of this because I want him to know how much this hurts. I’ll forgive him, just not right now. The initial shock and feeling of being in denial has gone away. I’m just afraid that this slight progress I’m making will go away come Monday morning when I have to see him. Just have to stay strong and find a way to not let him see me hurting. I think that’s the worse thing I could do…show my vulnerability. We’ll see I guess.
I don’t think I want anything right now. I mean, after nearly putting myself out there for this guy, I need a break. I can’t deal with this. Every time I feel like I can begin to open up to someone, something happens that puts that wall back up. He tells me that I’m still one of his closest friends but here’s the thing…close friends don’t do stuff like that to each other. I don’t even know if I can trust him. If I ever do, it won’t be the same.
I definitely want answers, but I don’t want to talk to him until I’m able to handle the answers. But I definitely think I deserve some sort of explanation. What makes this whole thing more frustrating is that he doesn’t like confrontation. When I sent him that message over Facebook, I didn’t think I was being mean or rude. Was I honest? Yeah. Did I say some things that he probably didn’t want to hear? Absolutely. And all he could respond with was a tiny paragraph that said sorry for hurting me and that he hopes I can forgive him eventually. He just completely shuts down instead of trying to talk to me. I’m not trying to slap him in the face over and over, I just want him to COMMUNICATE. Maybe I came off a little strong? I don’t know. But I hope we can eventually talk this out without ripping each other apart. I made it very clear to him that this doesn’t change the fact I’ll always be there for him and support him and care about him. I just can’t talk to him right now. The rest of the semester is definitely going to be interesting…
P.S. A special thank you to Michelle for telling me to get out of the house and hang out with some friends. I went to the movies today with two of my high school friends and that definitely helped. You rock. 🙂