i think i’m going to talk to him this weekend.

If I could talk to him right this minute, this is what I would say…

I don’t know what your intentions are or what you want out of this, but I can’t keep pretending like there’s nothing there. It’s obvious that we both have feelings for each other, so why are we trying to go around it? I don’t understand. I want to know how you honestly feel about all of this because I feel like I need a definite answer. I’m not trying to create this huge issue or add stress to your life, but I need to know where we stand.

When we had that talk about just staying friends for the time being, how long was that intended for? I don’t want to be just a friend to you. Don’t you get it? I’ve dropped all the obvious hints and so have you, yet no one has stepped up and admitted that we want this relationship. So who’s it going to be? Do I need to say something? Do I need to initiate this? Just tell me what you want. If you don’t have those feelings for me anymore, then just tell me the honest truth because it’ll save me a lot of pain in the end.

I hate it when you say, “Don’t be afraid to tell me anything,” because every time I put myself out there for you, I feel like it’s not reciprocated. I’ve never received so many mixed signals from a guy before and I don’t know how much longer I can “play this game” with you. There have been many accounts where I’ve wanted to hold your hand, or tell you how I truly feel…but I don’t want to do that if you don’t feel the same or as strongly as I do about you. No one does. That always seems to happen with me anyway. I always seem to be the one who wants the relationship more and I hate that.

Sometimes I get the feeling you want to be more than friends. Whenever you hug me, it’s not just a hug. It’s an embrace. It’s that feeling you don’t want to let go. The way I catch you staring at me from the corner of my eye. The way you laugh at my jokes, even when they aren’t funny. The way you joke with me, whether it’s because you want to touch me or you want me to laugh.

Every time I begin to have these thoughts, I think to myself that perhaps I can find someone better, someone who won’t do this to me. But I can’t. You’re the only person I can see myself with at now. We’ve been friends for about a year and a half now and yet, you have become one of the most important people in my life. How did I let one person have this much control over my thoughts and feelings. It’s quite scary honestly, and it makes me wonder about how dependent I’ll become on the guy if I get into a relationship.

I just wish you’d tell me what you’re thinking. I wish you’d be black and white with me…either you want this relationship to work or you don’t. Which will it be?

-beautifuldarkmystery

“Forget the risk, take the fall. If it’s what you want, it’s worth it all.”

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4 thoughts on “i think i’m going to talk to him this weekend.

  1. Oh boy can I relate to this. I’ve definitely felt this way. And I always ask myself if I’m delusional. Is there really nothing there and I’m just read into everything? Did that hand gesture mean something? Did we share a passionate look or did we just happen to turn toward each other? I start to wonder if it’s all meaningless or if everything is meaningful. I tend to think that I might be giving mixed signals, too. But then I think…if I feel this way, this unsure and confused, he might be going through the same.

    The best advice I’ve gotten is that you have to speak up, sooner rather than later, but don’t turn it into a dramatic proclamation of your undying love. If only for your own sanity, you need to at least tell him. As someone who once told my best male friend that I had feelings for him one day while we were sitting on his trampoline, I can say that bringing it up quickly, but casually, is the best way to go.

    I hope you have a chance to talk to your friend. I’ve been where you are before (and kind of am there now) and I wish you the best. Good luck!

    • beautifuldarkmystery says:

      Thank you for your advice. I was definitely feeling impulsive when I wrote this and it’s good that I didn’t say anything at the time because re-reading this now, I feel like I was being a bit overdramatic. But I definitely agree…bringing it up casually will probably be my best bet. Good luck to you as well! Thanks again. I wish you the best too.

      -beautifuldarkmystery

  2. silent flutes says:

    after long time re-reading your posts. -yingfeelsyang

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